on counterfeminism...
for many years i hated the notion of the weaker sex. but i have recently discovered what it actually is. the weaker sex is the counterfeminist, the woman who caves to men. she may be forced or she may do it of her own valition, but she does it none the less. she bends over backwards to suit, appease or even cling to her boyfriend.
my points in case are two of my "smug young married friends" and even those who i've witnessed before. example number one, is dating an asswipe. he cheats, he lies and they've been on and off again for years. he's controling and possessive over her. he wants a "strong woman behind a strong man". I WILL NEVER BE A WOMAN BEHIND A MAN. i will be a woman beside the man, i will be a woman who is there for, holding the hand of a strong man. he desires a woman to conform to his wishes. he requests that she not engage in certain activities that she sometimes enjoys in his presence. he forces her attendance at events as arm candy. they are not really a pair, so much as a man and his tag along. mind you, i very much so like her. on her own she is witty, charming and assertive, but when her boyfriend is concerned, she is subservient. she gives up the facets of herself that make herself the woman we know and love. she is a strong woman, but she renigs her strength to get behind a man who is very hard to respect.
second case is a blurring of two women who have given up everything to be with their men. their boys are not controlling. they are generally nice guys. but these girls are so "in love" that they become co-dependent. they give up their independent lives and independent friends to blur with his friends and eventually just become obsessed with belonging to his world that all traces of their former worlds disappear. they lose the understanding of what it is to be single: to be sexually independent, to experience casual sex, and to not be concerned with emotions. when they enter these relationships, the become raised on a pedestal, looking down forever on those of us who enjoy single life. they try and try to convince us that we want to be like them, forever convincing themselves that it's ok to give up their independent lives. while some of this is compromise as a result of commitment, those of us who miss them before their relationship are seen as jealous and lonely. i am not jealous and lonely, i miss having someone who understands me. the person who used to help me cares more about her role in a relationship than keeping close ties with her friends. when i needed someone for an emotional crisis, "i'm sorry, but i just can't relate and i just don't understand" was all i could get. the superficial "do you want to talk about it" always makes me feel guilty because she blatently cares only about her boyfriend and her own issues with him and so i feel like i waste her time. and if i discuss issues i have with men, its like talking to a brick wall... a shell of what used to exist.
this seems like i am miltitant and against relationships. i am not. i am all for them, while i am of the belief that i do not need to be in one at this point in my life. i have three men with which i am emotionally attached, none of which sexual. the thing is i don't want to be made to feel that relationships are normal. to relate to these girls, i've been forced to relive my most recent "relationships", which hurts me to no end. I AM INDEPENDENT. i feel free to have sex when i please. while sometimes i think it might be nice to share a bed with someone, i shouldn't be made to feel overwhelmed by this desire. i shouldn't have to feel like all attractions should be seen as potential relationships or that i should pursue relationships. i am an intolerable flirt... years of idolizing the daisy millers has made me this way. it sometimes gets me into bad situations, but my flirting shouldn't be something that i need to tame. just because i flirt doesn't mean that i'm attached to emotionally to someone. i don't have a serious crush on these boys, i just enjoy their presence and enjoy being enticed by them. when i want to be in a relationship, when i am ready to be emotionally attached, i will be.
and when i have been, i've retained my personal self. at the end of the summer, i was a part of a failed affection. this pseudo-relationship ended poorly. i acted out against this person because he wanted me to give up something. he wanted me to settle down when i wanted to experience life. it wouldn't work and it didn't. while i was upset when it didn't work out, i realize that it couldn't...that i couldn't give up that part of myself.
when i was in love, i retained my personal self. i had a life independent of him. when we were together i neither neglected him nor did i cling. we were there for eachother, attached but still ourselves. my parents are part of a cohesive unit with their own independent selves. my grandparents needed eachother, but still were their own people. i idolize my grandmother, a strong woman, married to a strong man. they kept eachother company, were together and relied on eachother but still were their own people. my sister and her husband are similar. rebecca and jake still have their own friends and while yes, at times i feel the serious relationship condesention from her, they still retained their own identities. human involvement is to relate, to feel closeness in eachother's identities. but to have those identities none the less.
don't give yourself up, ever. make concessions, grow, change and learn... but don't sacrifice the parts of you that make you who you are. the woman who do this to please her man, or on that token anyone who does this to please their partner, is giving up the progress of the modern centuries. in the much less conventional world that we live in, it is valued to be your own person, so be that person.
posted by emily @ 8:06 AM
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